Never Tell Anybody Anything... If You Do You Start Missing Everybody

I'm not going to tell you anything else. I could tell you what happened when I got home and how I got sick but I don't feel like it. I don't feel like talking abotu the school I'm supposed to be going to or how I'm doing. I'm not too interested.
I keep being asked questions. This one psychoanalyst keeps on asking me if I'll apply myself this time when I go back to school. How am I supposed to answer a question like that? I don't know if I will. How will I know until I do it? D.B sometimes asks me questions. He's not as bad as the others though. He asks me about what happened after I got kicked out. I don't even know what to think of it myself.
I'm sorry I even told anyone about what happened. I miss everyone. Even Ackley and Stradlater and old Maurice. I miss them. Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.

I'm Going To A Ranch

After I left Mr. Antolini's I decided to sleep in one of the only places I could. I slept in the station where the luggage is kept. The one in Grand Central. Don't try it. It really depresses you, I'm not kidding.
I started reading magazine articles and I didn't have that much to do. I started reading things that made me worried I had cancer and that my hormones were all wrong. I already thoguht I had pneumonia so I got a coffee before I walked down Sixth Avenue. It looked really Christmassy and I started thinking about when me and Phoebe horsed around with a salesman one Christmas. As I crossed the streets something weird was happening. I kept thinking that I was falling and I kept on asking Allie to save me. I kept on repeating it over and over until I reached the other side. Then I thanked him. I was afraid to stop and I couldn't stop sweating.
I decided something as I was walking. I'd pretend to be a deaf-mute and go out West. Then no one would talk to me because I'd be a deaf-mute and they would all leave me alone. Eventually I'd meet this beautiful girl who was also a deaf-mute and we'd get married and living in a cabin in the woods. We'd have children and keep them hidden and teach them to read. I got really excited about it to tell you the truth. I wanted to say goodbye to old Phoebe first thoguh. I knew she'd been in school so I bought a pad and pencil and wrote a note. I gave it to the secretary and hoped she'd meet me on her way home from lunch.
Meanwhile I went to the museum. It was really nice in there but I kinda of collapsed near one section. Good thing I didn't hit my head I suppose. Then I met old Phoebe and she toldm e she wanted to come with me. I got pretty angry and she was sore as hell for a while afterwards. We went to the zoo and she didn't stop being upset until I took her for a ride on the carousel. It rained while she was on it but I didn't mind. I felt really happy all of a sudden and when Phoebe came off she put my red hunting hat one my head and we went home.

I'm Going To A Ranch

After I left Mr. Antolini's I decided to sleep in one of the only places I could. I slept in the station where the luggage is kept. The one in Grand Central. Don't try it. It really depresses you, I'm not kidding.
I started reading magazine articles and I didn't have that much to do. I started reading things that made me worried I had cancer and that my hormones were all wrong. I already thoguht I had pneumonia so I got a coffee before I walked down Sixth Avenue. It looked really Christmassy and I started thinking about when me and Phoebe horsed around with a salesman one Christmas. As I crossed the streets something weird was happening. I kept thinking that I was falling and I kept on asking Allie to save me. I kept on repeating it over and over until I reached the other side. Then I thanked him. I was afraid to stop and I couldn't stop sweating.
I decided something as I was walking. I'd pretend to be a deaf-mute and go out West. Then no one would talk to me because I'd be a deaf-mute and they would all leave me alone. Eventually I'd meet this beautiful girl who was also a deaf-mute and we'd get married and living in a cabin in the woods. We'd have children and keep them hidden and teach them to read. I got really excited about it to tell you the truth. I wanted to say goodbye to old Phoebe first thoguh. I knew she'd been in school so I bought a pad and pencil and wrote a note. I gave it to the secretary and hoped she'd meet me on her way home from lunch.
Meanwhile I went to the museum. It was really nice in there but I kinda of collapsed near one section. Good thing I didn't hit my head I suppose. Then I met old Phoebe and she toldm e she wanted to come with me. I got pretty angry and she was sore as hell for a while afterwards. We went to the zoo and she didn't stop being upset until I took her for a ride on the carousel. It rained while she was on it but I didn't mind. I felt really happy all of a sudden and when Phoebe came off she put my red hunting hat one my head and we went home.

I'm Going To A Ranch

After I left Mr. Antolini's I decided to sleep in one of the only places I could. I slept in the station where the luggage is kept. The one in Grand Central. Don't try it. It really depresses you, I'm not kidding.
I started reading magazine articles and I didn't have that much to do. I started reading things that made me worried I had cancer and that my hormones were all wrong. I already thoguht I had pneumonia so I got a coffee before I walked down Sixth Avenue. It looked really Christmassy and I started thinking about when me and Phoebe horsed around with a salesman one Christmas. As I crossed the streets something weird was happening. I kept thinking that I was falling and I kept on asking Allie to save me. I kept on repeating it over and over until I reached the other side. Then I thanked him. I was afraid to stop and I couldn't stop sweating.
I decided something as I was walking. I'd pretend to be a deaf-mute and go out West. Then no one would talk to me because I'd be a deaf-mute and they would all leave me alone. Eventually I'd meet this beautiful girl who was also a deaf-mute and we'd get married and living in a cabin in the woods. We'd have children and keep them hidden and teach them to read. I got really excited about it to tell you the truth. I wanted to say goodbye to old Phoebe first thoguh. I knew she'd been in school so I bought a pad and pencil and wrote a note. I gave it to the secretary and hoped she'd meet me on her way home from lunch.
Meanwhile I went to the museum. It was really nice in there but I kinda of collapsed near one section. Good thing I didn't hit my head I suppose. Then I met old Phoebe and she toldm e she wanted to come with me. I got pretty angry and she was sore as hell for a while afterwards. We went to the zoo and she didn't stop being upset until I took her for a ride on the carousel. It rained while she was on it but I didn't mind. I felt really happy all of a sudden and when Phoebe came off she put my red hunting hat one my head and we went home.

Mr And Mrs. Antolini

Mr and Mrs Antolini had this very swanky apartment with its own bar. He always used to visit my back then. When he got married I played tennis with him and Mrs. Antolini quite frequently. They were both very clever, except Mr. Antolini could be quite witty at times. He's sorta like D.B. Mr. Antolini didn't think D.B should've gone to Hollywood.
I got quite dizzy on the way and thought it was best if I took a cab. I had a helluva time even finding one, but I managed to. When I got to Mr. Antolini's he answered the door really welcoming and told Mrs. Antolini to put some coffee on. We talked for quite a while, mainly about me getting kicked out again. I did make sure I told him that I passed English. Although, I did flunk Oral Expression. It involved a stupid talk in front of the class and every time a boy started talking about something other than his subject you were supposed to yell "Digression!". This one guy was supposed to be talking about this farm but instead he started talking about his uncle and the class started yelling at him. I thought it was more interesting when he did that.
Well we talked for a while after that and Mr. Antolini told me that my dad was pretty worried about me and had told him that over lunch a couple of weeks ago. I went to sleep pretty soon after that. Boy was I sleepy. Thing is though, a funny thing happened when I was sleeping. I don't even like talking about it. I woke up and Mr. Antolini was there sort of stroking my head. I hate it when sometimes perverty like that happens. It's happened about twenty times since I was a kid.

Goddamn Nearly Caught

I had to be very quick on the phone because I didn’t want my parents to walk in on me. I don't like to think what my Dad would have said! Mr Antolini was very nice. He was about the best teacher I ever had.
When I got back to D.B’s room, Phoebe turned on the radio and we danced for a little while. We danced to about four tracks.“The front door!” I quickly ran and turned off the desk light. Then I grabbed my shoes and hid in the closet.
My mom thought Phoebe had been smoking, mostly because I had been smoking in the house, which I should not have been. But she just said she lit one and put it out. Good old Phoebe. When my mum finally left, I said my goodbyes and started to cry when she borrowed me her Christmas money. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t stop. I really couldn't.
Then I walked all the way downstairs and nearly broke my goddam neck on garbage pails. I had to be quick, Mr Antolini was waiting for me, and I didn't want my Mum and Dad to catch me me. In a way, I wish they did catch me...

The Story Behind James Castle

When I got back Phoebe had took the pillow of the head alright but she still wouldn’t look at me. I started to explain why I had been kicked out again and why I was failing in all my subjects. She said it was because I hate everything. I told her I didn’t hate everything so she told me to name one thing that I do like. I couldn’t concentrate though, all kept thinking about was the nuns I had seen at breakfast, and a boy at Elkton Hills called James Castle. He jumped out of the window because bullies were forcing him to take back something he had said and he wouldn’t, so they did something terrible to him. Which forced him to plummet to his own death.
Anyway I told Phoebe that I liked Allie. She reminded me that he was dead thought, and she really started to get sore about it. Phoebe then started to talk about what I want to do with my life. I asked her if she knew the song ‘If a Body Catch a Body Comin’ Through the Rye’. She corrected me and told me that it was ‘If a Body Meet a Body’, a poem by Robert Burns.
I kept picturing little kids playing a game in a big field of rye. Thousands of kids, and nobody else around except me, and my job is to save them all from falling of the edge of the cliff. That’s all I’d do all day. I know its crazy, but it’s what I’d really like to be. Phoebe didn’t say anything for a while and then when she did it was “Daddy’s going to kill you”. I told her I didn’t give a damn. Then I got up to make a phone call to Mr Antolini, my English teacher at Elkton Hills. He lived in New York now because he took a new job at N.Y.U. As I left the room she shouted me back to tell me that she was having belching lessons from this girl at school

Sneaking In To See Phoebe

I got to the elevator, and their was a new operator who I didn’t know, so I convinced him I was visiting the Dicksteins who lived across the corridor to us. When I got to our place it was dark as hell, and I couldn’t turn any light on naturally. I had to be careful not to make a noise else I was busted. Phoebe wasn’t in her room. Then I remembered that she likes to stay in D.Bs room when he was away in Hollywood. She was fast asleep in his bed; kids always look nice when there sleeping, unlike adults. I read through some of her school books, they had “Phoebe Weatherfield Caulfield” written all over them, even though her middle name is Josephine.
Anyway, I woke her up and she was very pleased to see me. We started chewing the fat for a bit. I gave her the pieces of the record I bough for her. She kept them; she’s not ungrateful at all. She’s not a stupid kid old Phoeb and she knew I was home early. I told her they let us out early, but she wasn’t having any of it. She realized that I’d been kicked out again and kept saying dad was going to kill me. She wouldn’t listen when I was trying to tell her bout getting kicked out, and she put her head under a pillow and wouldn’t come out. So I got up and went out in the living room and got some cigarettes out of the box on the table and stuck some in my pocket. I was all out.

I Dropped It

I stayed in the bar and got drunk. I sat there till about one o’clock or so, getting drunk as a bastard. I started that stupid business with the bullet in my guts again. I left and stumbled over to a phone booth. I thought I would give Jane a buzz, but by the time I got there I didn’t feel like ringing Jane, I was to drunk I guess. So what I did was, I gave old Sally Hayes a buzz. We didn’t have much of a conversation, my fault; I was to drunk to even understand. After a bit we both hung up and I stayed in the booth for a while holding onto he phone so I wouldn’t pass out, I wasn’t feeling too good.
So, I thought I’d walk to the duck pond in Central Park to see if the ducks were still around. As I just got into the park I dropped Phoebes goddam record, it broke into about 50 pieces. I damn near cried, it made me feel so terrible. I didn’t jus leave the pieces though, I picked them all up and put them in my pocket. They wasn’t any good but I didn’t want to just leave them.
I must have been drunker than I thought because I couldn’t find the lagoon. When I finally found it, it was half frozen and half not and there were no ducks in sight. I was shivering like hell, I had little chunks of ice on the back of my head. I thought I might get pneumonia and die. I started to imagine the mob that would come to my funeral. It’d be just like Allies funeral with all the aunts and what not coming over. I wasn’t at Allies funeral though, just like he wont be at mine, because I was still at the hospital because of my hand.
Anyway, when the weathers nice my parents go and put a bunch of flowers on Allies grave. I used to go but I cut it out. It wasn’t too bad when the weather was nice but when it rained and everybody rushed to their cars to put the radio and heater on to got somewhere nice for dinner. Goddam crappy people.
I wanted to speak to Phoebe, so I decided to risk going home. My parents would be asleep so I could sneak in and out without them knowing. So I got the hell out of the park, and went home. I walked all the way. It wasn’t too far and I wasn’t tires or even drunk anymore. It was just very cold and nobody around anywhere.

Carl Luce

I used to go the Wicker Bar quite a lot, but I don’t anymore. I cut it out. Gradually. I got there pretty early so I just sat down at the bar. It was pretty crowded. It was mostly full with phoneys, so I just sat and watched them for a while. Boy were they phoneys!
Old Luce was supposed to be my student advisor at Whooton, but all he did was give these sex talks and all. I asked him these questions about this girl he said he was seeing, but he got really sore about it. The thing is, he used to make you describe really personal stuff, but if you ask him he gets really sore about it. Thats the problem with those guys, they get really sore about when you ask them personal questions!

Time to kill

I felt sort of hungry so I went and got a Swiss cheese and malted milk. I thought about giving Jane a buzz, so I did. But she didn’t answer. So I hung up. I gave old Carl Luce a buzz, he was 3 years older than me, I didn’t like him much, but I wanted to speak to somebody. We made plans to meet for a drink at around 10. I had a lot of time to kill so I went to see a movie at Radio City. It was probably the worst thing I could have done. The Rockettes’ Christmas stage show was on. It was so phoney.
Then the picture started. It was another phoney thing about love and all things like that. Boring as hell. I would tell you about it, but I might puke. The lady sat next to me cried al the way through the goddam lousy picture. The phonier it got…the more she cried. She had a little kid with her who was bored as hell and he wanted to go to the bathroom, but she just ignored him. It kills me when you see someone cry there eyes out over something as phoney as that and 9 times out of 10 their heartless bastards.
After it had finished I started to walk over to the Wicker Bar, where I was meeting Carl Luce. I started to think about the war. I couldn’t go to war, id rather be shot or sit on top of an atomic bomb. Im sort of glad they’ve got the atomic bomb invented. If there’s ever another war, im going to sit right the hell on top of it. Ill volunteer for it, I swear I will.

The Meeting With Sally

I started thinking about all my old roommates as I went to meet Sally. I was pretty goddamn confused by the time I met her. I have to admit, she looked really good though, she really did. On the way to the show, we horsed aorund in the cab abit. What I did then was, I told her I loved her. I didn't really mean it, but at the time I guess I did.
The show wasn't that great. The Lunts were okay I guess, but you just knew they weren't real people. So I couldn't watch it properly. Afterwards Sally got talking to some guy who described them angels! Goddamn angels for Christ's sake! I started to hate her. But then she suggested we went ice skating in Radio City. I went along with it. I quite liked the idea.
We were the worst skaters there. Afterwards we went for a drink in the cafe, we just talked for a while and I got this plan. The idea was that me and Sally would run away together and get married. We would live in a place in the woods and no one would ever find us. We would cut all our own wood and everything. She wasn't too crazy about the idea so we ended up arguing. Boy was she sore afterwards.

Little Shirley Beans

Afterwards, I was walking down Broadway and decided I'd try and find a little record store that might sell 'Little Shirley Beans' in it by Estelle Fletcher. I really wanted to give it to old Phoebe, I just knew it'd kill her. It was a really nice song and Estelle had the best voice for the song.
I thought I'd take a walk in the park, just to pass some time 'till I had to meet Sally. I was walking behind a couple, who were out with their kid. Only the kid was walking right by the curb, near the edge of the sidewalk. The man and woman weren't paying much attention to the kid or anything, he was just walking on his own. He was humming to himself "If I body catch a body coming through the rye.." He had quite a sweet voice and it made me feel better.
When I was in the park I met this kid, turned out she was the same age as Phoebe, so I asked if she knew her and she did. The girl told me she thought Phoebe was in the Natural History Museum or something 'cos thats where her class was going that Saturday. I started to make my way there, then I remebered that it was Sunday. Still I went to the museum, I really like it. The best bit is the part near the end with the Indians.

Two Nuns At Breakfast

The next morning I decided to give Sally Hayes a buzz, just to see how she was doing. I arranged to meet her for a show in the afternoon. One with the Lunts in, I don't know why they're all phoneys but I knew Sally would be really excited to see it.
I walked around for a while then decided to get breakfast. I got quite alot seeing as I don't normally eat that much. Across from me were these two nuns sat at a table, but they weren't doing a collection. I wanted to make a contribution and even though I was running short on cash I gave them $10 and offered to pay their bill only they wouldn't have that. They said I had done enough. I really liked talking to them, they were interested in alot of the same things as me. One of them even liked 'Romeo and Juliet' too. I think it's a bit over rated, the best character is old Mercutio, its a shame he dies, it really is.

'You Owe Me 5 Bucks'

After Sunny left I just sat in the lousy hotel room having a smoke and thinking. I remembered when I was a kid and me and a guy called Bobby were going hunting with our BB guns. Allie wanted to come but I wouldn't let him and told him he was just a kid. In the end I tricked him into not coming, but he never got sore about it or nothing. That was the greatest thing about Allie he never got sore about anything. I always think about that when I get depressed.
Suddenly, there was a really loud bang on the door. Bang, Bang, Bang. I kinda already knew who it was though... See old Sunny had said I owed her another 5 bucks but old Maurice only said I had to pay 5 bucks. Anyway I didn't give her the extra $5. Anyway, there they were banging on my door so I let them in. Maurice got really angry and tried to blackmail me into giving him the cash. In the end Sunny just took it from my wallet. Then Maurice hit me then left, slamming the door shut after them.

Meet Sunny

So I was thinking, I'm pretty yellow. I really am. Say for instance some guy stole my gloves at pencey, what I'd do is; I'd march right up to his door and search for them in his room. Then when I found them hidden somewhere, like in his closet, then I'd ask him if they were his. The goddamn phoney would probably answer with something like "I've never seen those before in my life". See and then instead of just hitting the guy, I'd back out and say something like 'Well alll I know is that my gloes were in your closet'. But I probably couldn't do much about it. I'd end up saying some cutting remark and the guy would get pretty angry. And I'd still feel like socking the guy - but I wouldn't.
So when I got back to the hotel I was feeling pretty lousy and all, when the elevator guy asked me would I be interested in sex with a prostitute. It was kinda embarrassing and all but I agreed to it anyway. So I went back to my room and got chamged, I knew there wasnt much point and all for a prostitute but I was starting to feel pretty sexy al the same. Then Sunny came in. She was quite nice looking, she really was, but young as hell. As soon as she came in she took off her green dress, it kind of worried me a bit 'cos I didn't want it getting all creased and all. So I hung it up for her.
She seemed really nervous for a prostitute, jiggling her foot up and down and all. I ddin't feel quite so sexy anymore so we just talked, I didn't much feel like doing anything. I wasn't in the mood for sex. So she left. I still paid her and all.

Holden's Sonnet

It tumbles away as you grow older,
Falling free. It does not have a mistress
Or a controller. You’re getting colder.
A sense of duty overrides boldness,

Creating hatred and destroying love.
But hope is not lost, the catcher has heart
Held tightly inside Allie’s baseball glove,
With which the catcher cannot possibly part.

The catcher will not lose his innocence,
He instead falls with it, tumbling down.
Our catcher is greeted by a silence
As he hits the water and starts to drown.

Innocence is lost and replaced with pain,
Pain of losing the love, and losing Jane.

Ernie's

I got a cab down to Ernie's, and the driver was quite a decent guy. So I wondered if he'd know where the ducks go in the winter. I asked and he looked at me like I was a mad man, he seemed to be pretty sore about it. He was a pretty touchy guy. He dropped me at Ernie's and drove off like a bat out of hell.
As I walked in Ernie was playing some big fancy piece, with a mirror in front of him so you could see his head as he played. Not his fingers, his head! Then once he'd finished, he stood up and took this really humble bow like he was a really humble guy and all. What a phoney!
Anyways Ernie's was packed so when I did eventually find a tabe, I was surrounded by jerks! At least I could get served here, at Ernies you could get served no matter how old you are.
Just as I began ot relax, I ran into old Lily Simmons - a friend of D.B's. Boy, I can't stand her! What's worse is you could tell the only reason she was being all nice with me was so I'd tell D.b how swell she is. Goddam fake.

Thinking about Jane

After I left the Lavender Room and sat in the lobby, I got old Jane on the brain again. And I couldn't get her off. I mean I was sure Stradlater hadn't given her the time but I couldn't stop thinking about it. In the summer we spent together, I got to know her really well. Quite intimately. It was nothing physical mind. We just saw each other all the time.
I met her through her dog. This Doberman pinscher she had used to go and pee on our lawn. It used to drive my mom crazy. We never really conversed or anything, but then one day what happened was we kinda struck up a conversation. After that we became friends and all. She wasn't too beautiful but she knocked me out all the same. And she was the first person I ever showed Allie's baseball mitt to. There was only one time when we came close to necking though. But we used to hold hands all the time. All the way through the movies.
So yeah, thats what I was thinking about as I sat there in the lobby. Suddenly I just wanted to get the hell out of the goddam place, so I got a cab to Ernie's. Ut's a night club that DB used to go to before he went prostituting himself in Hollywood. Once in a while he used to take me with him. Ernie's a fat coloured guy that plays the piano. He's really good, but he's a terrific snob and won't talk to you unless you're a big shot or a celebrity or something. But I do like to hear old Ernie play.

The Lavender Room

I thought I'd just go to bed, only I wasn't tired yet so I decided to go to the 'Lavender Room'. The hotel's own nightclub. I put on a clean shirt and went downstairs. I started thinking Phoebe and how smart and pretty she is. Really, you'd like her. Anyway, once I was in the club they wouldn't serve me without I.D and I couldnt really hold it against them, I knew they'd lose their jobs if they were caught serving a minor.
I did meet these 3 women though. One was blonde and quite pretty -And she danced with me - but the other two weren't much to look at. Burnice, Marty and Leverne was their names. They were all really big on movies too. That sort of annoyed me but then when they were leaving they left me to pay their tab. I didn't mind, just it would of been nice for them to have offered to pay, not that I would of let them. Still, it would of been nice all the same.

Checking In

I got off the train at Penn Station. And I felt like giving someone a buzz, but I really wanted to speak to my kid sister Phoebe. Only I figured it was too late and my parents would answer and wonder why I was calling so late. So I gave up on that idea, and instead got myslef into a cab downtown.
I found myself a crumby little hotel that I'd be able to stay in for a few nights. It really was lousy. When I looked out of my room's window I looked out onto the other side of the hotel, no view or nothing. So I started to look into other people's rooms, not in a funny way mind. Just to see what they were up to.
All of the people that I saw were dirty bastards. There was one guy that dressed up as a woman then started parading around his room, checking himself out in the mirror. In this other room there was a young couple fooling around spitting water on each other's faces. Thats jsut weird, why would you do that to a pretty girl's face? The whole place was full of perverts. It was disgusting. I mean I'm a sex maniac, I just don't fully understand it.

Mrs. Morrow

So after I had left Pencey, I was just wondering around, not really knowing where to go. I thought it was too late to get a cab, so I decided to get the train back to New York and stay in a hotel for a few nights until I was officially due to go back home.
So I was sat on the train, minding my own business when this woman comes on and sits down right next to me. I mean there was a whole carriage free yet she stil sat right next to me. It kinda annoyed me, but then when I looked closely I saw she was quite attractive for an older lady, so I didnt mind too much. Anyway, she must of noticed the Pencey stickers on my bag and she asked did I go there.
I told her I did, so she started asking me all about the school. Turns out she was Ernie Morrow's mom - the biggest bastard at the school, the kind of guy who would whip you with a towel after a shower, that kind of ass - she asked me did I know him. I told her I did, and that my name was Rudolf Schmidt (our janitor), I don't really know why I did it, I jsut felt like shooting the bull and I started getting really carried away, telling he what a swell guy her son was. Mother's love to hear that kind of crap.
I was really getting to like her, and I asked her would she like to join me for a drink somewhere, but she said no. Not long after she got off the train, not before asking me to come and visit Ernie in the next summer vacation, I told her I was going to South America with my Grandma though. As if I would go and spend time with thst crumby bastard!

Sleep Tight You Crumby Bastards

After mine and Stadlater's fight, I went in to see Old Ackley. I mean I didnt really feel like being on my own. Only I think he was asleep, I mean it was pretty late. But anyway, he seemed pretty interested in what had happened to my face, and wanted to know what the fight had been over. Only I coundn't be bothered to go into the details with Ackley, so I started shooting the bull. I told ihm I was defending him goddam honour. That seemed to shut him up, and let me stay in his room-mate's bed for the night seeing as he was out of town.
Only Ackley's lousy snoring was nearly driving me crazy! So I made a decision, I decided to leave Pencey there and then rather than wait until next Wednesday. So I just packed up and left. Just like that.

Ungrateful Sonuvabitch

I couldn't stop thinking about Stradlaterand Jane, I've double-dated with him before and I know he's a right bastard. He tried it on with a girl on the back seat of a car before whilst I was in the front with my date! By half nine I was just waitng by the window looking at the white snow. It looked so peaceful and pretty.
Anyway, when Stradlater came back he didn't really say anything and just started getting changed and moaning about the cold. It sort of unsettled me that he never mentioned Jane, boy I hoped she was ok. So I gave him the composition and he started reading it. He looked as tohough he was really concentrating and began stroking his bare chest and stomach, boy you could tell he really did love himself.
But then, instead of being grateful that I had wrote his goddam composition for him, he started yelling at me saying I was stupid for writing it about Allie's baseball mitt. I jsut ignored him and asked him about Jane. Only the crumby sonuvabitch wouldn't tell me anything, so I started getting annoyed with him and we ended up fighting.

A Haiku For Allie

Allie I miss You
I Think About You Always
My Brother, My Friend

Allie's Baseball Mitt

It was always steak for dinner on a Sunday, the funniest steak I ever saw thats for sure. It was always dried up so much you could barely cut them. So after dinner, me and some of the other Pencey Boys went and had a snowball fight in the carpark. It really was fun. After that though, there was nothing to do, I mean everybody else had gone out, so me and Mal Brossard decided to go into town to see a movie. I asked if Ackley could come with us, I felt pretty mean on him being on his own all the time. Mal wasn't too impressed at the idea but he agreed anyway.

Turns out though, Ackley and Mal had already seen the film so we just stayed out for a while, eating and playing pinball. After that we headed back to Pencey, but it was still early. Once we were back, Mal went off to look for a bridge game and I was left with Ackley. The goddamn moron sat on my bed squeezing his pimples then began telling me about some girl he was supposed to have had sex with the previous summer. I mean he was shooting the bull and all. I'd heard the same story about a million times and each time it was slightly different, I mean he was a virgin if I ever saw one.

Eventually, I got him to leave and started with Stradlater's composition. He had told me to do something descriptive. A simple description of a room or a house or something like that, but I couldn't think of anything to write about like that. So I decided to write about the baseball glove that my younger brother Allie used to have. See, it wasn't an ordinary baseball mitt, Allie had copied poems out all over it in green ink. He did it so he would have something to do when there was nobody batting.

Allie died 3 years ago of leukemia, he was 2 years younger than me but was definatley the most intelligent member of the family. He was always so happy and had this amazing red hair that was really noticable. He was such an innocent and nice kid. I remeber the night Allie died, I slept in the garage and broke all the windows with my bare hands. I really miss him.

Anyway, once I had finished Stradlater's composition, I stopped and looked out of my window, just silently staring, listening to Ackley snore in his room.

Stradlater The Secret Slob

So anyway, Stradlater went to go get himself sorted for this date he had. He always had different dates Stradlater did, a new girl every week. I followed him to the bathroom, and talked to him whilst he shaved.

I couldn't help but notice Stradlater's lack of hygiene in the bathroom, I mean yeah he's an attractive guy and all but really he's a slob. Not in the same way as Ackley, 'cos he's known for being a bit of a slob but well Stradlater is nore of a secret slob. For instance he always looks good on the outside, but if you were to see the razor he used to shave himself with you'd be disgusted. Its all old and rusty.

I started horsing around with Stradlater, see Stradlater has quite a good sense of humour and all. I was doing some crazy tap dance, really going for it. Boy I was getting into it! But then Stradlater asked me would I do his english composition for him something descriptive, seeing as he had this date and all and wouldn't have his own time to do it. I was really interested about his date, and wondered whhether he was still seeing Fitzgerald but when I asked he said it wasnt her. He did say though, that his date knew me. That got me pretty interested, I questioned him about her and eventually he told me her name... Jean Gallagher.

That careless sonuvabitch! He meant Jane Gallagher. Boy, I was excited! I mean she goddamn practically lived next door to me! And she had this huge Doberman Pinscher, that used to keep coming into our garden, thats how I met her. I remember how we used to play checkers and she'd keep all her kings in the back row because she liked the way they looked there. Boy, Jane Gallagher... And Stradlater of all people had a date with her, I mean he's a nice enough guy and all but really he's only after one thing. It goddamn near drived me crazy thinking about him taking her for a date, I know what Stradlater's about. I really wanted to go say Hello to her whilst she waited for Stradlater, but well I couldn't quite pick up the courage. I mean I hadn't seen her for a long time and she was on a date with Stradlater.

But before I had chance to even think about going to say Hello, Stradlater had left for his date and Ackley returned. It really was driving me crazy thinking about Stradlater and Jean and what they were up to. So in the end, I spent the night in with Ackley, whom was squeezing his pimples 'till dinnertime.

My Red Hunting Hat

Anyway, I have to be the most terrific liar that ever did live. But I have to admit, it's not a good thing. I mean I colud be going anywhere, just like to the corner shop or something. But if you were to ask me where I was going, I'm more than likely to say something stupid like the opera. Its awful, it really is.

But anyway, when I was at Pencey, I lived in the Ossenburger Memorial Wing; in the new dorms. These dorms for only for Seniors and Juniors. I was a junior, my roomate Stradlater was a Senior. The wing was named after some guy, that used to go to Pencey. Once he left, he made loads of money undertaking business, then gave a load of his dough to Pencey. In return Pencey named our wing after him.

You should see Old Ossenburger, at the beginning of every year at the first football match he shows up in his huge Cadillac and we all stand and give him a locomtive, thats a cheer. Afterwards he gives a big speech in the Chapel. Very big deal. Every year he starts off the same, telling us all about 50 corny jokes just to prove what a regular guy he is. Phoney. And how he was never ashamed and how we should all look up to God for guidance and talk to Jesus as though he is our friend. He even said that he talked to Jesus all the time, even when he was driving his car. That killed me.

The only good part of his last speech was right in the middle of it, when Ossenburger was in the middle of telling all what a swell guy he was and all, when this guy sat on the front row let off a huge fart. Edgar Marsalla was his name. It was a very crude thing to do, especially in a Chapel and all but nevertheless really amusing. He damn near blew the roof off, he really did. But hardly anybody dared to laugh out loud and Old Ossenburger pretended he didnt even hear it. You could tell he did really though. The best bit was Thurmer, our head teacher was sat next to him and everybody knew he heard it. Though he never said anytihng til the next day, when we were all gathered for compulsary study hall in the academic building. And he came and made a lousy speech, telling us how the boy that made the disturbance wasn't fit to go to Pencey and all that crap.

Anyway, where was I... Oh yeah, it was pretty nice to get back to my room after seeing Old Spencer, seeing as everybody was still at the big game so I had some peace and the room to myself. It was pretty damn cosy, I took off my tie and put on the red hat I bought in New York that morning. It was like a hunting hat, with one of those really long peaks. Only I put it on back to front, very corny I admit but I liked it that way. It only only cost me a buck. I started to make myself comfy, sitting down in one of the old arm chairs that were provided by the school, the arms were pretty wrecked, but well they were pretty comfortable chairs.

I started reading this book form the library, 'Out Of Africa' by Isak Dinesen, I though it was going to be crap, but it wasn't. It was a really good book. I'm quite illiterate but I like to read alot. My favourite author is my brother D.B, then Ring Lardner. Anyway, there I was just sat there, minding my own business reading my book, when Ackley barged in on me. Robert Ackley, was a Senior at Pencey and lived in the room next to mine, he barged in on me about 85 times a day.

He was really tall, with bulky rounded shoulders and really lousy teeth. In the whole time I had been roomed next to him I never once saw him brush his teeth. They always seemed mossy and awful, and he damn near made you sick if you saw him eating. I could sense him, checking the room to check that Stradlater wasn't around. He hated Stradlater's goddam guts. But he hated everybody's guts damn near. Anyway, he started looking at all my stuff, picking it up looking at it then putting it back down in the wrong place. He did it on purpose you could tell.

He started questioning me about my hunting hat. Shooting the bull, about how I got ripped off. The goddam thing only cost a Buck for christsake. Then he started going on about how much, he hated Stradlater's guts. When really he's a goddamn decent guy. Always giving you things, not like Old Ackley who never shares anything. Another thing about Ackley is, he hates it when you call him 'Ackley Kid', he says he's goddam old enough to be my father. See, he shoots the bull alot.

Not longafter that, Stradlater returned from the big game, asking can he borrow my hounds tooth jacket. And even though he didn't like Ackley so much, he said 'Hello' Ackley just grunted. Thats just goddamn ignorant but he wouldnt dare not say anything, to Stradlater. See he's a pretty well built guy. I have to admit.

Goodbye and Good Luck

So I figured it was time to leave Pencey, but before I left, I'd been told to go and visit Old Spencer, my history teacher. I arrived at his place and was told to go straight through. Get this, they didn't even have a maid. Him and his wife each had their own bedroom, poor Mr. Spencer had the grippe.

Inside his room, there were pills and all sorts scattered everywhere. The whole place stunk of Vicks Nose Drops, that was pretty damn depressing. What made it worse was Old Spencer was wearing this really grotty bath robe, that looked like he had been born in it or something. Its awful seeing old guys in their PJ's or bath robes, all their boney chests and legs are showing.

The strange thing about Old Spencer was, he always seemed to shout outside of class. Pretty damn irritating really. And he started getting all serious with me, asking me all these damn questions about why I was leaving Pencey. I mean he already knew why I was leaving. So I told him about my meeting with Dr. Thurman, the principle of Pencey and how he said 'Life is a game' and all. Old Spencer completely agreed and kept telling me to live by the rules of the game.

Game! Game my ass. Life's only a game when your on the right team. The team with all the hot-shots. I guess that's what I was missing at Pencey. I wasn't on the right team. So anyway, I was starting to feel lamer than lame, with Old Spencer still going on at me for bailing out and for flunking history. I knew he'd bring that up. See, in my history exam, I only wrote a paragraph then gave up. All of my knowledge of history in one paragraph. I knew Old Spencer would feel bad about failing me, so I wrote him a little note at the bottom of the page to apologise.

Old Spencer was making me feel worse and worse about myself 'cos I could see he was genuinely concerned. So I made a quick excuse to leave. We said our goodbyes and I told him I hoped he felt better soon. As I was leaving, Mr Spencer wished me luck for the future. I hate that phrase, 'Good Luck'. Its such a phoney. Nobody ever really means it.

The Beginning Of The End

Here I am, a year on. Locked up in a goddamn institution with T.B. It all started when I was kicked out of that goddamn school, all 'cos I was ruining their goddamn reputation. My ass, the real reason was I was flunking in 3 of 4 subjects. 'Pencey Prep', moulding gentlemen for years. You've probably seen the adverts, well let me tell you something... Not once did I see a goddamn horse any where near the place. They're all phoneys there anyway, every last one of them! Just like DB. He's my older brother incase you were wondering. He wrote this great book, called The Secret Goldifsh. But then Hollywood called and now he's living there prostituting himself for the movies. Goddamn phoneys, I hate them!

So anyway, I want to tell you about the day I left Pencey. It was the day of the football game with Saxon Hall. This was supposed to be a very big deal at Pencey, but I'd gone to New York with the fencing team. We hadn't even got off the subway and I'd messed up. Though it wasnt all my fault. Not completely. I had to take charge of the goddam map to check where we going. Nobody told me we'd missed the goddam stop! So I jumped off the subway, and left all the fencing equipment on the goddam subway! So we never even made it to the fencing tournament.

So I had no choice, I had to go back to Pencey empty handed. I got back and went and stood at the top of Tomsen Hill, the reason I did this instead of going to the grandstand was cos I'd just got back. It was freezing and I didn't have a coat or gloves or nothing! In the end I got too cold and decided to leave.